Learn how to combat some of the unhelpful thinking styles and win the battle of commitment to yourself in this blog about how to improve your self-esteem.
So, what is self-esteem? After reading and researching, recording and asking, I would simply describe it as - the awareness of self: the ability to form an identity and then attach some kind of value to it.
And what I have noticed when working with humans to support them to create change in their lives, is this amazing ability to judge themselves (Oh I do it too, don't worry, I'm human!) in the hardest and cruellest of ways. Hmmm I wonder where this judgement came from initially and who it belongs to? This inner critic starts to reject the attributes and beliefs that are true, therefore creating great psychological damage in some cases. Here are some practical ideas to listen to the critic in a more resourceful and nurturing way. For the purpose of this article, I have used the pronoun 'he / him' when referring to the inner critic.
Catching Your Critic
The first step is to gain control of your critic, to do this you have to be able to hear him. As human beings with the ability to have inner chat (monologue) which is helpful for reflection, problem-solving and planning. However, this is where the critic plays his part, putting you down, or creating thoughts or images of past mistakes and failures. For some it may be a physical feeling. Commit yourself to catching the critic. Notice the situation you are in, what the critical statement is and what it is helping or avoiding perhaps. Create a journal or notebook, perhaps a table to record your findings... You will notice a pattern over time of where you can start to think about disarming the critic.
Disarm Your Critic
So, you are really starting to become familiar with your critic. The secret to getting rid of him or dulling him right down is to notice everything about him. Become a real sleuth, recalling specific problematic situations and notice when your emotions lead you to depressed or down on yourself, this is when he is truly at work. Now you need to do the following:
Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Draw the air deep into your abdomen.
Relax your body. Notice and get rid of any tension in your legs and arms, back, face, neck, jaw and shoulders.
Notice where the depression is in your body, focus on that place and get to know the feeling.
Listen to the thoughts that go with the feeling in that part of your body. Now try a remember how the feeling began and what the critic was saying.
In learning more about the role the critic plays will give you the ability to undermine the creditability of the purpose of it.
"It always seems impossible until it's done" - Nelson Mandela
Affirmation of Worth
The most valuable tip that I have learnt on my own journey of dulling down my inner critic is to remember and recall that I am still trying in spite of all that I have struggled with so far in life. I am human and alive. Here are some examples of affirmations that I say to myself to keep the critic quiet:
I breathe and feel, and I am aware. I am worthwhile.
I love, I feel pain, I am trying to survive, I am a good person.
I do the best I can.
My hope links me to others
Unhelpful Thinking Styles
These are also known as distortions. It may all seem like a hassle and hard work to pay attention to so much but by having a better understanding of how these cognitive distortions are like tools for the inner critic to continue with an untrue, unbalanced view of the world, in recognizing them will help you deal with reality in an accurate more self-compassionate way. Here are the 9 more common distortions that affect self-esteem:
Overgeneralisation - If you failed once, you'll always fail.
Global Labelling - I'm stupid, I'm just a failure.
Filtering - Selectively focus on the negative and disregard the positive.
Polarised Thinking - Black and White thinking - no grey area in between
Self-Blame - Always blaming yourself.
Personalisation - You assume that everything is to do with you.
Mind Reading - Assuming that others don't like you, don't care about you etc. No evidence.
Control Fallacies - You feel totally responsible for everything and everyone or have no control at all.
Emotional Reasoning - You assume that things are the way you feel about them.
The next step would be about how to learn how to create your negation and rebuttal with the distortions. Why not click the button and book a session with Emma and you could learn more about how to build your confidence, self-esteem and learn about your thinking styles that may be limiting your beliefs.
As always, thank you for reading!
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